The Team

Allan is a retired school head teacher, originally from London but who now lives in Hull. Allan’s wife Teresa died from pancreatic cancer in 2020. Allan remembers a lot going on in a very short space in time. Teresa fought the disease for two years and during the last year of her life, Allan also lost his mum, his dad, and two of his close aunties.

He was unable to grief for his parents and aunties as he was committed to caring for Teresa who had become very unwell by that time. Allans daughter and her family moved to Brunei, Borneo during the same time and he talked about feeling an additional loss. He also lost his cat of 24 years. After Teresa’s death, Allan did not leave his home for some time, although he remembers having a lot of visitors. Allan recalled how he internalised his grief over a long period of time. He has always been in touch with his emotions and is able to talk about how he feels. He honoured Teresa’s wish to look after the garden because it was her love. He found tending to the garden helpful and enjoyed sitting outside in the sun and fresh air. Allan talked about feeling guilty when he began to enjoy life again. He also talked about feeling isolated and found this difficult despite having lots of friends and a very active lifestyle.

Amanda is a court officer at the Edinburgh High Court Chambers and lives in Edinburgh. Amanda’s sister Tracey had a brain haemorrhage in 2020 at the age of 53 and died shortly afterwards.

Tracey’s death weas very unexpected. Amanda and Tracey were very close and had just returned from a week in Santorini, Greece. They were self-isolating together in Tracey’s home when the haemorrhage happened. Amanda described the event as ‘traumatic’, but she did not expect Tracey to die. Amanda had suffered a similar haemorrhage when she was in her 20s, and believed her sister would survive, just like she had done. At the time of bereavement, Amanda remembered crying all the time, feeling empty and being very emotional. She also had feelings of guilt at surviving her haemorrhage, but Tracey did not. As time went on, Amanda wanted to talk about Tracey but found it difficult to broach the subject with family members. Amanda’s parents and brother were still in the grips of their own pain and loss and dealt with their grief in different ways. Amanda sought comfort through Cruse Scotland to ‘let everything out’. She was able to grieve in her own way and say exactly how she felt without upsetting family members. Amanda feels there is a huge part of her that is missing and still feels the loneliness that accompanies the loss, but she enjoys remembering many happy times with Tracey.

Harry is originally from Northern Ireland but now lives in Linlithgow, West Lothian. He recently retired and lost his son Steven in 2021 aged 36.

Steven died suddenly having developed a complicated relationship with alcohol coupled with mental health issues. Steven’s family were aware of his difficulties, but did not think they were serious enough to cause his death. Harry described the loss: ‘It felt like somebody had just put their hand in my chest and ripped my heart out’. Harry remembered being shocked and numb at Steven’s death and cried a lot through the deep sadness he felt. He then felt guilty, thinking there may have been something he could have done to prevent his son’s death. Harry became very angry about everything. He recalled that he was not a nice person to be around at that time and did not like the person he was becoming. Harry became aware of his grief cycle and reached out for help. He found talking helpful and was able to identify where he was stuck in his grief. Although Harry feels his life will never be normal again, he cherishes Steven’s memory by holding family remembrance days, going to places they both visited together, and nominated charities in Steven’s name.

John is retired and from Glasgow. He lost his wife of 40 years, Margaret, in May 2020.

Margaret was being treated in hospital for curable stomach cancer, when she unexpectedly developed sepsis and then pneumonia. When initially diagnosed with cancer, Margaret and John were told that it was treatable and it had not spread. She had an operation to remove part of her stomach and was told everything would be fine other than she would have to eat small amounts of food at a time. She then underwent four rounds of chemotherapy, but became too unwell after the third cycle where she became immobile and John had to carry Margaret out to the car to get her to the hospital. She was discharged, but then deteriorated further and ended up with sepsis and was re-admitted to hospital where she died of pneumonia. Margaret’s hospital admissions occurred at the beginning of Covid, so no visits were allowed. After her death, John wasn’t able to have the wake/funeral he knew Margaret deserved. He was thankful that he and his son were at least able to be by her side when she died. He said he felt really angry, not with staff or at hospital treatment but that he did not think Margaret deserved to die that way. John reached out to Cruse as he felt he was not coping and wanted to understand his bouts of anger. Cruse helped him and he completed their bereavement course. One year later, John’s younger brother died unexpectedly. John had been with his brother the evening before, having a pint in Glasgow. John got a phone call the following morning to say he had had a heart attack. John went back to Cruse as the event sent him back into a dark place. He was prescribed anti-depressants and completed another bereavement course at Cruse. He has since reduced his medication and feels he is at the stage where he can come off medication totally. John feels able to talk about his experiences now. John talked about his involvement with his local bowling club and how he was a previous club president. Margaret was also heavily involved with the club. After Margaret’s death, members gave John jobs with a view to helping him (keeping his mind occupied). John was aware of their kindness and added that it was great timing to help him move forward. He subsequently became Covid Officer for Bowls Scotland! Time has moved on so there is no need for this position now, but the work helped a lot. John has a close relationship with his son and daughter in law. He still plays bowls and has engaged with other groups of bereaved men, and finding life much better.

Morag (preferred name Mo) is deaf but can understand well with subtitles and can lip-read if directly facing a person.Mo is a landscape artist and lives in Edinburgh with her husband and two children. She has a brother who is profoundly deaf who has lived with his parents all his life. Over time, Mo suffered the loss of a baby (that they named Eddie), her dad and her mum. Her most recent bereavement was her mum in Aug 2022 through cancer.

Her mums diagnosis came as a huge shock as she was diagnosed just two weeks after suffering from what everyone thought was a tummy bug. Mos mum was fit, healthy and active. Her mum lived for four months following diagnosis. Mo sought bereavement services as she found it difficult to cope with an already busy/complex life and family dynamics. Mo regretted not having time to do things she knew her mum would have liked as her mum was too unwell soon after diagnosis. She also felt guilty about her mums wish to die at home but which was not realised due to complexities and a lack of social care support. Mo also talked about her dads death and not knowing that her dad was dying and only became aware during the last week of his life - he did not want to worry her (he survived bowel cancer but it returned later). Mo also suffered a missed miscarriage in between her two children. Her unborn child (a boy named Eddie) was later diagnosed with Edwards syndrome. Mo remembered experiencing guilt and being torn at the prospect of having an amniocentesis test and the risks involved in having this. Added to that was the 6-week wait to hear the results. During that time, her daughter (aged 4 at the time) kept asking if the baby was going to die. Mo also found coping with her daughter’s anxiety difficult.

Ade (preferred name Übermom) is the mum of three children and is a teacher who lives in Livingston, West Lothian, but is originally from Lagos, Nigeria. She lost her sister Doja in Aug 2021 from lung cancer at age 44 years.

It was nine weeks from diagnosis to death which came as an enormous shock to her and her family. Übermom is from a close family of four siblings (one brother and two sisters) and was given the nickname Übermom even before she had her own family (translates to a woman that goes over/above/beyond for her family). The three sisters had a special bond. Übermom identified herself as the matriarch of the sisters but that Doja was the glue. Her sisters death took its toll where she thought she was going crazy. Übermom described her behaviour as being totally out of character for her, such as rolling on the floor shouting and screaming. She was sometimes mistaken for her sister as everyone considered both as twins. It meant that every time Übermom looked in the mirror, she was reminded of the deep sadness of her loss. Übermom was angry that her sister was taken so young - being the most health conscious, fittest and clean-living member of the family. She also talked about the hierarchy of who should feel grief most and was angry about other peoples’ perspective of that too because her grief was so difficult to cope with. She accessed Marie Curie group bereavement services for help.