When we lose someone, our usual routines can be disrupted. You might not be in the habit of cooking for yourself. We might find that we don’t sleep as well, or that we lose touch with friends or social networks. This part of My Grief My Way has advice and strategies for looking after yourself as you do the work of grieving.
Social connection
Sometimes people who are grieving don’t have energy for other people and they want to be on their own. That can be OK and might be exactly what you need. However, social connections and spending time with friends, family and community can be really helpful when you are grieving. Grief can be shared; you don’t have to grieve alone. Being with others and talking about your shared loss can be helpful. If you feel able to, reaching out to other people and maintaining friendships and close relationships can be a valuable support. Let your experience be the guide. If you feel people are too much, then take a break from people and say no. If you feel lonely or that you are in your own company too much, then reach out and make connections with people. Some people find that their friendship group has shrunk due to losing several people. This can be especially difficult for older people. It is important to try to make new connections. Age UK is an organisation that can offer a range of help if this applies to you.
Sleep
Getting rest can be restorative when grieving. Try to keep to a night time routine. Don’t have caffeinated drinks or large meals late in the day. Try and wind down. Alcohol can disrupt sleep, so go carefully.
You can use the audio exercise below to help you wind down and relax.
Relaxation and winding down
Relaxation and winding down
Audio exercise to help you wind down and relax
Try and make your bedroom relaxing, dark, quiet, neither too warm or too cold and try and keep it for sleeping (don’t watch TV in bed or use your bedroom as a workspace for example). Try not to nap late in the afternoon or evening.
If you are having difficulty getting off to sleep, rather than lie in bed, consider getting up and doing something unstimulating. Try not to put bright lights on, and leave your bedroom for about 20 – 30 minutes. Try going back to bed after that.
Some people are afraid of going to sleep because they dream of the person they have lost and feel a wave of grief when they wake. Some people have distressing dreams about the loss. These are signs that your mind is trying to adjust and make sense of the loss. Try as best as you can to see these as healthy, healing and part of the work of grief.
If intrusive thoughts and worries are keeping you awake, try using some of the OPEN skills.
Eating
Bereavement can disrupt your appetite, or it can make you comfort eat. You can use the AWARE skills to try and monitor if you are getting into unhealthy habits around eating. Some people may not be used to cooking. There are many resources to try and make simple meals. If you have a freezer, it can be a good idea to consider batch cooking.
If your appetite is disrupted, or you can’t face cooking, then try to have some healthy snacks, and drink plenty of water or non-caffeinated drinks. Have a think about putting some of these ideas on to your shopping list.
If you aren’t used to making your own meals, you might want to take a look at the NHS’s Eat Well pages.
Nature
Being in nature can be restful and restorative. If you can, try and take a walk in a green area such as a park, woodland, by the sea, or in the hills. Exercise in general is good, so if you already have a habit of exercising, try and keep it up. If you have got out of the habit, maybe consider something gentle such as a short walk. Doing this in the company of supportive others can also be a benefit.
Barriers
Sometimes you won’t feel like doing any of these things. You might think 'What’s the point?' It’s also fine in this work to have days where you can’t manage these healthy lifestyle practices. Don’t beat yourself up about that, but try not to get into the habit of letting it slip. If you have gone a day or two of not looking after yourself, see if you can use your AWARE, OPEN and ENGAGED skills to turn that around. The What would your loved one want for you? exercise, could be a good place to start.