Understanding what grieving is, why we human beings grieve, what are typical grief experiences and what factors can complicate grieving is one way to help us to process and acknowledge loss, and over time come to terms with what has happened. In the videos below, you’ll hear more about these ideas.
What can make grieving harder?
All grief is painful, and comparing between people’s grieving is not usually helpful. Each person needs to find their own way of dealing with their loss. It’s as unique as the relationship that you had with the person you’ve lost. However, research does show that there are some factors that can make grieving more complicated. We provide these here so that you can see if any of these factors help you to make sense of why your grieving may be trickier. Even if you don’t recognise any of these factors in your situation, you can still be finding it hard to grieve.
Intrusive thoughts and memories are common after loss, and can be very upsetting, especially if the person died in a traumatic or violent way. Our brains often try to process these experiences by mentally replaying them, trying to make sense of things. You might therefore experience intrusive images, sounds or memories related to the loss. These can happen even if you were not there when your loved one died. Our minds try to make sense by constructing an image of what their death might have been like. These intrusive images and memories can also occur in the form of dreams or nightmares. These intrusive experiences can be frightening and upsetting and so we try to push them away or block them out. Unfortunately, however this disrupts our ability to process what has happened and can prevent grieving and healing.
More on handling intrusive thoughts and memories.
One of the most important points of this section is to understand that even though the feelings and reactions of grieving may be painful and unwanted, allowing yourself to feel your feelings, to be upset and to let that out, is part of the process. Your grief is asking to be grieved. Turning away from it won’t really make it less painful, and will likely make the hurt continue for longer. How you are responding to your own grief can have a big impact on how it goes.
The Empty Chair
By Jenny, 66 years, bereaved wife
Source: Gerber, K., Brijnath, B., Lock, K., Bryant, C., Hills, D., & Hjorth, L. (2022). Unprepared for the depth of my feelings’ - Capturing grief in older people through research poetry. Age and Ageing, 51(3), 1–7.
Talking to other people about how you are feeling and about the person you have lost can be very healing and can deepen your connection with the person listening. At the same time, grieving is hard work. When doing anything hard it is important to sometimes take a break, to rest and recover. The work of grief is the same. You need to learn how to move between feeling the loss and then at times recovering or doing other ordinary, everyday things.
This movement back and forth between these types of activities is healthy, whilst getting stuck in the loss or getting stuck in getting on with things are both signs that things aren’t going as smoothly as they could. My Grief My Way has ideas and practices to help you recognise what is happening and make that shift between different ways of grieving.
The Grief Swing
Source: You will be Okay, Julie Stokes, Illustrated by Laurène Boglio
One helpful way to think about this movement is this illustration from the book “You will be OK” by author Julie Stokes.
In the picture you can see that the person swings between the land of loss (feeling their feelings, perhaps not feeling able to do a lot) and the land of rebuilding (looking forward, making plans, doing ordinary or new things). Many people imagine that grief happens and then eventually you move on. Most people experience this swinging between loss and rebuilding for some time. My Grief My Way will help you to be aware of these two tasks of grieving and be able to move flexibly between them, according to what you need.
Learn more about how My Grief My Way helps you to grieve flexibly.
Continuing Bonds
Another idea that influences My Grief My Way is called ‘Continuing Bonds’. In the past, people used to think that the point of grieving was to ‘let go’ of the person who has died. Recent understandings of grieving have changed. We now understand that the purpose of grieving is to find a way to carry the memory of the person you have lost into the future with you, but in a way that is helpful to you in meeting life’s challenges. My Grief My Way has many ideas and practices that help you to carry your bond with the person you have lost in a new way, so that you don’t feel like you need to let them go.
Physical impacts of loss
Many people are surprised to learn that loss can have physical impacts upon the body and your health. It’s important to think carefully about new symptoms and to check in with your general practitioner for an accurate diagnosis and advice. However, grieving can also lead to poor sleep, increases in muscle pain, fatigue / low energy, headaches, low appetite, weight loss, and worsening of existing medical conditions.
Insomnia
Once you start thinking,
You can’t sleep.
You keep busy
During the day.
You get into bed,
Then everything comes.
Guilt feelings
I should have done this.
I could have done more.
Those things come back
When you lie
In bed
And think.
(Susan, 83 years, bereaved wife)
Source: Gerber, K., Brijnath, B., Lock, K., Bryant, C., Hills, D., & Hjorth, L. (2022).
Unprepared for the depth of my feelings’ - Capturing grief in older people through research poetry.
Age and Ageing, 51(3), 1–7.
doi.org/10.1093/ageing/afac030
Some of these are due to the impact of stress on the body, and some of them are also related to some of the ways that we try to deal with grief, for example smoking or drinking more, moving less, and changes to what we eat. One aspect of My Grief My Way is support to try and recognise these unhelpful habits, and a range of activities, ideas and practices to try and help you to look after your body, whilst you do the difficult work of grieving.
Practical impacts of loss
So far in My Grief My Way, we have been focussing on the ways that bereavement affects you emotionally and physically. There are of course practical and financial aspects of bereavement that can also add to your uncertainty and worry. Losing a person might also lead to loss of income, or a need to move house. This is also another significant life stress and could be another loss. The ideas and practices in My Grief My Way can also help with worries and uncertainty caused by the practical impacts of bereavement. In addition, you should never feel that you are alone with these problems. Most banks, building societies and mortgage lenders have schemes to help you if you are struggling to make ends meet, but you must contact them and explain your situation.
Here are links to the schemes offered by some of the major banks.
If you are having worries about finances, contact your own bank and explain what is happening.
In addition, there are many other places to go to for information and advice about financial and practical aspects of bereavement, for example: